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Shine Like the Sun (1/3)

Title: Shine Like the Sun (1/3)
Pairing: Kirk/Spock [XI]
Rating: NC-17
Length: ~ 25,000 (~ 8600 this part)
Category: Angst; H/C
Summary: Prompt-fill. An accident leaves Spock with amnesia. His last memory is bringing a cadet up on charges for cheating on the Kobayashi Maru - a cadet who, to his disgust, is now his bondmate. 
AN: A lovely OP and lovely LJers requested I fill this heart-wrenching prompt at st_xi_kink_meme. I'll try to do it justice. ♥ While it's a WIP, new parts will be up at my journal only. I'll post a link to communities once the fic is complete. 
Warning for Part 1: Heavy angst ahead!

Part 1  :  Part 2  :  Part 3
 

 
*****

1. Blink

Spock stood outside Starfleet Academy, watching the gentle waves in the gray water of the Bay. Behind him, cadets swarmed the Academy grounds in their scarlet uniforms. They gave him a wide berth, their sea of red ending a respectful distance away from the tall figure in instructor black. 

He was far too disciplined to shiver in the cool breeze, but internally he acknowledged that San Francisco would never feel warm enough. Although the day would pass for "sunny" by the standards of the city, the feeble rays of Earth's star paled in comparison to the fiery blaze of Vulcan's sun. He did not regret choosing Starfleet over the Vulcan Science Academy. But his beloved desert sun had been the price he'd had to pay for this self-imposed exile from Vulcan's warmth.

His internal clock told him that only twelve minutes remained before he was expected to oversee another cadet attempt the Kobayashi Maru. Attempt being the operative word; the cadet would fail, as had all previous cadets. Nevertheless, it was time to go. He strolled away, leaving the chill air of San Francisco for the equally chill air of the Academy. 

*****

"How the hell did that kid beat your test?"

Spock's gaze, like the other Starfleet instructors', was riveted on the examinee, slicing through the thin glass separating the instructors from the simulation chamber. Below, on the simulation bridge where the Kobayashi Maru exam was administered, Spock could see the disbelieving expression on Nyota's face as she stared at the test taker; the "kid" the other instructor referred to, a human male named James Tiberius Kirk. 

Cadet Kirk smirked smugly up at the group of his instructors - the most elite minds in all of Starfleet. He was flagrant in his disrespect. He had flaunted his derision for the Kobayshi Maru during the test, and now, having somehow achieved the test's objective, Kirk had the gall to smirk at them, so full of smug pride that his cheeks were flushed pink with his triumph. Flecks of apple still dotted the cadet's chin. Spock could not recall seeing such a self-satisfied expression since his meeting with the Vulcan Science Academy years before. 

"I do not know," he said, his voice devoid of emotion.

*****

"This session has been called to resolve a troubling matter. James T. Kirk, step forward."

As the administrator had requested, Cadet Kirk walked to the front of the packed auditorium. Spock watched, noting a vague sense of satisfaction in himself at the confused, apprehensive look on Kirk's face. He was certain his satisfaction at Cadet Kirk's reprimand was not an emotion; not due to any sense of self-righteousness or vengeance. Spock simply believed in rules, and he experienced satisfaction when those who circumvented rules were made to account for their actions. 

"Cadet Kirk, evidence has been submitted to this council suggesting that you violated the ethical code of conduct pursuant to regulation 17.43 of the Starfleet code. Is there anything you care to say before we begin?"

Kirk bent to the microphone. "I believe I have the right to face my accuser directly?"

Spock had anticipated Kirk's request. He had done some research on the cadet when bringing the action against Kirk, and he suspected that the human, who was both intelligent and exceptionally aesthetically pleasing for his species, was unaccustomed to being challenged for his willful disobedience. Had he not been a Vulcan, Spock might have taken a perverse pleasure in being the one who, in Earth vernacular, put Kirk in his place. 

He stood. 

"Step forward please," the administrator requested. 

Spock walked to the front. Earth's lighter gravity lent an ease and grace to his physical movements that humans could not hope to match. He was aware that all eyes were on him. Especially Kirk's; which Spock could see, even from a distance, were preternaturally blue. 

"This is Commander Spock," the administrator said, as Spock took his place at a podium opposite Kirk. "He is one of our most distinguished graduates. He's programmed the Kobayashi Maru exam for the last 4 years." The administrator nodded very respectfully at Spock. "Commander."

Spock assumed control of the hearing, and addressed Kirk directly. "Cadet Kirk, you somehow managed to install and activate a subroutine in the programming code, thereby changing the conditions of the test."

"Your point being?"

Kirk was being belligerent, and deliberately obtuse. Very well. Spock would spell it out for him in small words he could understand. "In academic vernacular - you cheated."

There was a shocked murmur in the crowd. But far from being intimidated by Spock's accusation, the cadet seemed unimpressed. "Let me ask you something I think we all know the answer to. The test itself is a cheat, isn't it? You programmed it to be unwinnable."

Spock was momentarily surprised - although he did not allow it to show on his face. He had not anticipated this insight. Still, Kirk's insight had only taken him halfway to understanding the test. "Your argument precludes the existence of a no-win scenario."

"I don't believe in no-win scenarios."

"Then not only did you violate the rules, you also failed to understand the principle lesson."

"Please, enlighten me."

Such flagrant disrespect for a superior officer. Spock did not approve. He did not approve of anything he had learned of the cadet to date.

Reading Kirk's file had been morbidly fascinating. Kirk had been a model student and child up until age nine - at which point he'd had his first run-in with the law, when he'd driven his stepfather's antique car off a cliff at a speed far exceeding the legal limit. His record contained a few more incidents in the subsequent years - although briefly going completely blank around 13, almost as if Kirk hadn't existed at that age. 

At 14, Kirk's record exploded with offenses. He'd become a criminal; a repeat offender and a juvenile delinquent who served multiple stints in jail. He attended no schooling; showing up only on the last day of class to pass the exam required to continue to the next level. He'd been in the hospital repeatedly since childhood, requiring treatment for broken bones and bruises. He had a taste, it seemed, for fighting. 

And of course, for women. Nyota had told him everything of Kirk's well-known reputation among the females of the Academy: of his blatant womanizing; his continuous attempts to engage Nyota in intercourse; and his manipulations of her Orion roommate, Cadet Gaila. 

The cadet's deplorable character would prove a disgrace to Starfleet if he were ever allowed onto the bridge of a Starship. Spock's test was designed, in part, to keep people like Kirk from ever achieving that role. 

Spock decided on an explanation of his test that would penetrate even James Kirk's thick skull. "You of all people should know, Cadet Kirk: a captain cannot cheat death."

There was a scandalized rumble from the crowd. 

"I of all people?" Kirk repeated, his fingers tightening their grip on the podium until his knuckles were white. 

"Your father, Lietenant George Kirk, assumed command of his vessel before being killed in action, did he not?" Spock spoke dispassionately, but he knew his words would likely incite an emotional response in Kirk. It was a failing of humans that they allowed themselves to be controlled by their passions. It would not be Spock's fault if Kirk let himself be goaded into anger by a simple explanation. 

The muscles in Kirk's jaw worked for a moment, but admirably, he didn't lose his temper. "I don't think you like the fact that I beat your test," he said insolently. 

Kirk's tone was rude enough that Spock could have disciplined him further, but Spock let it pass. As the cadet was clearly unaware, Vulcans were quite above liking or disliking things. Spock continued. "Furthermore, you have failed to define the purpose of the test." 

"Enlighten me again," Kirk said shortly.

"The purpose to experience fear," Spock said serenely, although he himself, of course, did not experience the emotion of fear. "Fear in the face of certain death. To accept that fear and maintain control of oneself and one's crew. This is a quality expected in every Starfleet captain."

There was a sudden interruption. "Excuse me, sir." 

Spock watched as a runner took the message to the present officers. It would be gratifying, Spock acknowledged, to finish Kirk's hearing, which Spock predicted would continue no longer than 4.457 Earth minutes. Cadet Kirk would no doubt be expelled from Starfleet for cheating, and the probability that Spock would ever have see him again would be reduced to less than 3.721%. 

He closed his eyes to blink - 

*****

"Spock, come on man! Wake up, you stupid hobgoblin - if you don't make it, Jim will kill both of us - "

A loud voice, highly emotional and accented like those from the southern United States on Earth, nearly burst Spock's delicate eardrums. Spock opened his eyes. 

They immediately widened in shock. 

He was on a bed in what appeared to be a starship sickbay. A human male in a Starfleet medical uniform was bent over him. There was an excruciating pounding in his brain. Spock was much too disciplined to wince, but the headache was the worst he had ever experienced.

Seeing Spock's open eyes, the stranger whooped loudly. "Thatta boy, Spock!" He turned and called over his shoulder. "Chapel! Damn Vulcan finally woke! Get Jim down here right away!"

There was a pleased exclamation from a female. The man turned back with a smile, and clapped Spock on the arm. Spock was about to protest the touch - but he was too surprised by the emotions the touch transferred to speak. The stranger was genuinely relieved that Spock was alive. Happy, even.  

Spock tried to think around the pounding in his head. His telepathic shields were down, which implied injury. He must have had an accident at the hearing and been taken to a ship for treatment. Unusual procedure, to be sure, but it was the most likely explanation. Strange that he could not remember any accident. "I assume you are an actual Starfleet doctor?" he asked acerbically, motioning to the uniform. "And not simply a purveyor of snake oil and trinkets?"

The human bristled. "Dammit, Spock, you know I - "

Spock held up a hand. "Just tell me why I am in a starship sickbay. Succinctly, if you please."

The man rolled his eyes. "Jimmy's gonna owe me big for putting up with you."

"My explanation, Doctor..." Spock trailed off expectantly, waiting for the stranger to fill in his name. 

The doctor was involved in a PADD and didn't seem to notice. "You fell and knocked your head when the ship got hit. I tell ya, none of us expected so much phaser power from those poachers - "

"Poachers?" Spock repeated in confusion, the first stirrings of true misgiving in his mind. 

The doctor looked up. "Don't you worry none," he said reassuringly. "Jim destroyed them. Nothing but space dust left. Between you and me, I don't think anyone's gonna be in a hurry to come after you again. Not now that they've seen what Jim'll do to them."

The doctor went back to his PADD. Spock stared at him. He had apparently gravely misinterpreted the situation. His aching head seized on the thing that had jumped out most at him. 

"Who is Jim?"

The doctor went deathly still. 

A moment later, he looked up, his face pale. "Good God, man," he said, his honeyed southern drawl slightly hoarse. "You don't remember who - "

"Spock!"

A handsome man with a muscular build and dark blonde hair suddenly burst into the room. Spock recognized him instantly. 

Cadet James Kirk

Spock opened his mouth to speak - but human arms were suddenly tight around his neck. "Spock," Kirk whispered, pressing his face against Spock's cheek. 

The clinical part of Spock registered that the human's eyelashes were damp, but the observation was immediately washed away by the wave of Kirk's emotions. Pouring into his unshielded mind through Kirk's skin were the emotions flooding Kirk: relief, delight, love, devotion, and a thousand other human feelings of joy. If the doctor had felt genuine happiness that Spock was alive, Spock's life seemed to give Kirk a reason to live. 

The sensation of so much human love was exquisite. Spock wanted to soak it in, drown in its strength, lose himself completely. His touch telepathy roared to life as never before; demanding more; shocking Spock with its hunger for Kirk. He had never before so powerfully experienced another being, except - 

Except during a mind meld.  

With a flash of understanding, Spock realized the emotions weren't just coming through Kirk's touch. They were streaming directly into Spock's mind, into the exact spot where Spock had previously possessed a marriage bond to T'Pring. Theirs had been the weakest mental link, heavily shielded and blocked on both ends by their mutual desire to have as little to do with each other as possible. 

That link, his marriage bond to T'Pring, was gone without a trace. 

In its place was a new bond. A breathtakingly strong bond. And James Kirk's emotions were streaming into Spock through it, like a bright ray of brilliant sunshine piercing through the clouds on a rainy San Francisco day. 

There could be no doubt. 

They were bonded

Cadet James Kirk was now his bondmate. 

Spock's eyes suddenly widened in horror. 

Cadet James Kirk. The cheating, promiscuous criminal from the hearing. Was his bondmate

And as if he had been doused with freezing ice water, all of Spock's pleasure from the link was gone. In its place was cold fury. "Remove yourself from me at once," he spat. 

Kirk flinched. A spike of bewildered hurt came through their bond. "Spock?"  

Angry at what he now decided was the pollution of Kirk's emotions, too furious to touch Kirk a second more, Spock shoved Kirk off him - a little harder than he'd meant to. Kirk stumbled backwards from the force, hitting the wall with a painful thud

"Hey now!" the doctor said sharply, coming forward. "What the hell do you - "

"How did you do it, Cadet?" Spock hissed. The accident, the shock, the injury - Spock's control over himself was shredded. The thought that he was bonded to this criminal eroded any logic that tried to remain. Disgust, loathing, repulsion - these emotions and more battered down the last of Spock's shields and filled his being.  "How did you bond us?"

Kirk's eyes - and even in his anger, Spock found them striking - were wide. "What?" he said helplessly. He was clutching the wall, as if he needed the help to stand. 

The doctor was suddenly between them, as if to protect Kirk from Spock. "What's the last thing you remember?" he demanded of Spock. 

Spock jerked his head in Kirk's direction. "This cadet's trial for his contemptible attempt to cheat on his Kobayashi Maru."

The doctor blanched. Behind him, Kirk went white as a sheet. Through their bond, Spock felt the spike of Kirk's distress. It was disgusting, he now thought, having this loathsome human's touch in his own mind. Like sewage dumped in a pristine lake, or white sands befouled with vile refuse, Kirk's feelings were dirtying the orderly plains of his own mind. 

There was a terrible rush of pain from Kirk. Spock thought he might vomit if Kirk couldn't keep his emotions to himself. "Shield your mind, Cadet Kirk," he snarled.

There was a broken sound from Kirk. "I - I don't know what that means - "

And suddenly, Spock realized that he himself was not shielded. Kirk could feel exactly what Spock felt. Every emotion Spock was experiencing was being broadcast directly into Kirk's mind through their bond. 

Enraged at the invasion of his privacy, Spock slammed down his mental shields as hard as he could - so hard that Kirk winced in physical pain. His knees buckled, and he started to slip down the wall. 

"Jim!" The doctor grabbed Kirk by the upper arm, holding him up.  

"Get out, both of you," Spock snapped. "My controls are breaking. I must center myself with meditation immediately. I must be alone."

The doctor looked apoplectic. "Now you listen here - "  

"Leave," Spock ground out through clenched teeth. "Unless you wish the full wrath of an uncontrolled Vulcan to descend upon you."

The southern doctor looked like he was ready for a fight - but Kirk suddenly broke away from the doctor's grasp. "Let's go," he said, his voice choked.  

"But Jim - "

"Give him whatever he wants, Bones." 

And Kirk was gone. With one last glare at Spock, the doctor chased after him. 

Spock rose, locked the door and shuttered the window. With privacy at last, he closed his eyes. 

*****
 
 
2. Liar


Spock walked onto the bridge of the Enterprise, his spine ramrod straight, his hands clasped tightly behind his back. The crew respectfully averted their eyes as he entered. Too respectfully. They'd clearly been briefed on Spock's amnesia. 

As Spock passed Kirk in the Captain's chair, heading to his own station on the bridge, he heard Kirk swallow. Kirk's jumbled emotions - too jumbled for Spock to instantly read, and he couldn't be bothered to parse them out - reached Spock through their bond. 

"Welcome back, Commander." Kirk's voice was perfectly professional. Only Spock, with a private line straight into Kirk's emotions, would have been aware of the turmoil that Kirk was feeling. 

Spock ignored him. 

Taking a seat at his station, he turned and offered Nyota, who was seated at the station on his right, a cordial nod. "Lieutenant," he said, with what was, for him, warmth. "May I offer my congratulations on your involvement in the Narada incident, and on your promotion to the position of Communications Officer."

Nyota looked a little awkward. "So you read all the files I sent you?" she asked. "You're updated on everything that's happened in the last year?"

After a long meditation, Spock had spent hours reading everything he could get his hands on. "Yes. I believe I am now aware of all pertinent events that have occurred in the eleven months, two weeks, four days, sixteen hours and twenty minutes since my last memory."

Nyota nodded slowly. "I'm so sorry about your mother," she said softly. 

The simple phrase threatened Spock's composure more than he wanted to admit. Meditation had revealed that his self-control was affected by the amnesia. The injury to his brain sorely strained his ability to keep his own powerful emotions in check. 

In part, he blamed Kirk as well; for subjecting Spock to the constant onslaught of Kirk's feelings. Kirk was struggling to deal with Spock's amnesia and, in Spock's opinion, not doing very well. For over twenty-four hours now, it had felt as if Spock had an injured sehlat in his mind, whimpering for his attention. 

But Spock's mind, and his logical discipline, were strong. He would deal with the injury, and would ignore Kirk's mental presence. "Kadiith," he said simply, knowing Nyota would understand the Vulcan saying. What is, is. It was a tragedy, as was the loss of Vulcan, but Spock would not yield to grief or anger.

Nyota hesitated. "You know," she began. "I don't know what you read, but Kirk was really the one who - "

"I am not eager to discuss the merits of Captain Kirk." Spock had read the now-Admiral Pike's account. He knew exactly what Kirk had done, down to the reason why Kirk was seated in the Captain's chair and Spock remained First Officer. He simply could not fathom why he had returned to the Enterprise after the Narada incident. From what he had read, Kirk had done nothing to warrant Spock's loyalty. Logically, Spock should have gone to New Vulcan to help his people.

Nyota looked like she was going to press the issue of Kirk. But then there was a small beep, and she immediately turned her attention back to her station, the consummate professional. 

Spock continued to gaze in her direction as she worked. He had found her an exceptional being at the Academy; beautiful, obviously, but also brilliant. Spock's position as her teacher, not to mention his engagement to T'Pring, had prevented him from pursuing a relationship with her. It had not prevented the occasional thought that perhaps, if they were both Fleet officers and he had no bond to T'Pring, he would like to approach her as a mate. 

"Mr. Spock?"

Spock briefly closed his eyes, suppressing the tide of emotions that rose up. Even the mere sound of Kirk's voice threatened his control. Turning in his chair, he swiveled to find Kirk standing on his left side. He raised an eyebrow; demanding an explanation for the interruption while offering no words. 

"Nice to have you back on the bridge," Kirk said easily. 

Spock was grudgingly impressed. Kirk's bearing, his casual and friendly manner of speaking, his pleasant attitude - it all suggested that he was perfectly functional. Anyone seeing their exchange would think Kirk at the height of personal comfort. Spock, however, was the direct recipient of Kirk's emotions, which still streamed unchecked into him. Kirk was a mess inside - a miserable ball of unpleasant emotion. But no one but Spock would ever know.

He continued to stare at Kirk with a raised eyebrow, waiting for him to say something worth responding to. 

"You're still shielding from me," Kirk suddenly blurted. 

"Indeed," Spock said flatly. "And I have no intentions of unshielding. I value my privacy."

"Oh." The word was said neutrally enough. Inside, however, Spock could feel Kirk fighting dismay.  "You - uh - get caught up?" Kirk asked, accompanied by a spike of concern for Spock that momentarily override Kirk's other emotions.  

"On everything relevant," Spock said, with customary coolness, referring to the reading he had completed. 

Kirk winced. "But we haven't talked at all."

Spock was momentarily thrown by the seeming non-sequitur. Then he realized that Kirk had taken his statement to imply that discussion of their bond was not important or relevant to Spock. That was not accurate, but Spock didn't bother to correct him. "Do you require a conversation at this time? We are on duty. Captain," he added coldly. 

Kirk seemed to falter. "I - "

Spock waited.

After a moment, Kirk shook his head, and returned to his chair. A staccato of self-doubt beat its way down the bond. Self-doubt, Spock thought, was preferable to the cockiness Kirk no doubt normally exuded. Yet again, he wondered why he had ever consented to a bond. The only person who could really tell him would be Kirk - and based on what he knew of Kirk's character, Spock did not trust Kirk to tell the truth. For now, then, Spock could only speculate.

Maybe so we could touch him when we want, his mind suggested. 

A possibility. Though it irritated him, Spock had to acknowledge that touching Kirk had made his telepathy sing. For those few seconds before he realized who he was bonded to, Spock had felt like a child discovering his telepathy for the first time. Ironic that such a Vulcan biological trait would so thoroughly awaken only to the touch of a human. 

Perhaps he had found himself without a bondmate at T'Pring's death, and allowed Kirk's enticing touch to cloud his mind as some allowed his pretty face to cloud theirs. This explanation for the bond merited further examination. 

Spock turned back to his station only to find Nyota staring at him. "Yes, Lieutenant?" 

"Do you have to be such a dick to him?"

Spock blinked. "How curious that you now rise to his defense," he said. "In my last memory, you rather despised him yourself."

"I was wrong about him," Nyota said defensively. "I'm not too proud to admit it. He's a good guy." 

"Do good guys typically persist in requesting intercourse from women long after they have refused?"

Nyota bristled. "You're twisting things. It wasn't ever like that with us."

"I submit that it was. You despised him with good reason."

She shook her head stubbornly. "He's a good guy and a great captain."

Spock was surprised that such a level-headed woman had fallen victim to Kirk's wiles. "Human memory is a fickle thing," Spock said carefully. "And James Kirk is a master manipulator. No doubt he has wormed his way into the good graces of this ship, causing all aboard to view him much more positively than he deserves." 

Her eyes narrowed angrily. "His crew adores him. With good reason. And if you would just - "

A burst of static came from her station. Nyota hastened to deal with it. Then Spock's console beeped, and they were too busy with duties to speak again for the rest of their shift. 

*****

After Alpha shift had ended, Spock joined the others in the mess for dinner. Accustomed to eating human vegetarian food under Captain Pike, he was surprised to find that the replicators now held several of his preferred Vulcan dishes. Getting a bowl of plomeek soup, he carried it to the table where Nyota sat with the female from sickbay, Nurse Chapel. 

"May I join you?"

Nyota's gaze flicked to a nearby table, where Kirk sat alone, an untouched tray in front of him. "Why don't you sit with Kirk?"

"Because I have no desire to," Spock explained easily. A jab of hurt flowed down the bond, and Spock knew Kirk had heard him. But it was hardly his fault if Kirk was eavesdropping.

Nyota pursed her lips, and grudgingly moved her tray, clearing space for Spock. Spock shot a look at Chapel, having hoped he could continue his private conversation with Nyota. 

Chapel seemed to get the hint. "Well, I better be getting back to sickbay," she said apologetically to Nyota. "See you later?" They exchanged a quick hug and fond smiles. "Your head alright, Mr. Spock?"  

"It is adequate," Spock replied brusquely, as he sat across from Nyota. Once Chapel had gone, Spock decided to broach another subject that had been puzzling him. "In my last memory, you and I were quite close," he said, cocking his head to one side. "None of my reading materials explained why, when my previous bond was broken and we were both officers, we did not begin a relationship." 

Nyota shot another look at Kirk, who was sitting very stiffly at his table. "We did try," she said. "It didn't work out." 

"Why not?" Spock persisted. "You must know I was very impressed by you." Bitter jealousy was flooding into Spock's head from Kirk. Spock tried as best he could to ignore it. 

"If you must know," Nyota said tightly. "I broke up with you." 

Spock blinked to hide his surprise. 

"Look," she said, folding her arms over her chest. "Why are you treating Jim like this? He's your bondmate."

"He is," Spock acknowledged. "And I can only assume that fact is due to a colossal error on my part." 

There was a terrible spike of pain down their bond from Kirk. Spock bit back a sigh. He didn't choose to cause Kirk this pain. If it was causing him such distress, Kirk needed to stop listening to their conversation. And Spock needed to do something about Kirk's inability to shield. 

Nyota sat forward. "Why would you assume it's an error?" she demanded. "Even if you don't remember, why can't you trust yourself? Why can't you trust that you made a good decision in Kirk?"

"Because all logical evidence points to contrary," Spock said patiently. "Captain Kirk is a criminal with no respect for regulation or authority. He is a ruthless manipulator. And with his history of womanizing and promiscuity, I can only imagine that he is a faithless mate who does not practice fidelity." 

There was a sudden crash. Kirk had stood up so fast that he'd knocked his chair over. He disappeared down the hallway, almost at a run. Spock tried to weather the tide of sickness that streamed through the bond. 

Nyota gave Spock an ugly look. "This is why I broke up with you, Spock," she hissed. "Because you don't care about human feelings. You choose not to have them, but you get some kind of sick joy out of stomping all over ours. Like at Kirk's trial, which I know you remember - rubbing his face in his father's death, hurting him on purpose."

She leaned forward. "Kirk is the best thing that ever happened to you. He brought the light to your eyes. You don't remember it now, but you love him. And you're never going to forgive yourself when you learn what you've done."  

She bolted after Kirk, leaving Spock alone at the table. Spock suppressed a sigh, and some choice thoughts about humans and their sentimentality. He set about methodically finishing his soup, ignoring the stares of the others in the mess. 

*****
 
Spock found Kirk a short time later, lifting weights in the gym. He was lying on his back on a padded bench, dressed in athletic shorts and a tight tank, bench-pressing a heavy weight - heavy, at least, by human standards. 
 
Spock's eyes widened. He had always just assumed he would be attracted to slender bodies, like most Vulcans possessed. But as he stared at Kirk's large muscles, which shifted and flexed as he moved, he knew he'd been very wrong. Seeing Kirk's thicker build only partially clothed sent a hot flush through Spock; a desire to touch and explore. 
 
Kirk was damp with sweat from his efforts - another sight that was very un-Vulcan, and strangely erotic. Vulcans were a desert species bred to conserve water, while human bodies were so carelessly, deliciously, wasteful. The wet sheen of Kirk's skin made Spock itch to touch him; to lick him. Even his hairline was damp, and his handsome face was flushed pink with exertion, setting off the blue of his eyes. 
 
Spock stood, transfixed, unable to take his eyes off Kirk. He had to admit, on an aesthetic level, Kirk was absolutely exceptional. 
 
Kirk suddenly noticed him. He quickly reset the weight in its place, and sat up on the padded bench. "What's up?" he said warily, his breathing slightly heavier than normal. 
 
Spock shook himself, irritated that he'd been caught staring. He'd come here for a purpose, yet instead he'd let himself be distracted by Kirk's looks like a foolish Academy cadet. "I am continuously receiving your emotions through our bond. I ask that you block the bond so that I do not have to experience them." 
 
Kirk swallowed. "I don't know how," he said quietly. 
 
"I did not teach you to shield?"
 
"No," he admitted. "I didn't even know you could block our bond until you did it in sickbay."
 
Spock raised a brow. "Understand that I find that impossible to believe. Vulcans almost universally block their bonds for privacy's sake. It would be illogical of me to have chosen to experience your mind at all times."
 
Kirk smiled bitterly, without a trace of humor. "I agree with you there," he said tonelessly. "But I'm telling the truth."
 
He was. Spock felt it through the bond. He suppressed another sigh. "Very well," he said shortly, raising a hand. "I will block the bond in your mind myself, through a meld."
 
"You want to do to my mind what you did to yours?"
 
"Affirmative."
 
Kirk was suddenly on his feet, backing away from Spock. "No."
 
"No? Captain, you cannot expect me to continue - "
 
Kirk shook his head. "I don't want you to feel this," he said fiercely. 
 
Bizarrely, Spock was now feeling protectiveness streaming through their bond, as if Kirk felt he was somehow defending Spock from something dangerous. It was - maddeningly pleasant. "Feel what, exactly?" Spock asked, forcing away any pleasure associated with this warm emotion from Kirk. 
 
"The emptiness." 
 
"Emptiness," Spock repeated. "I do not understand." 
 
"There's a - a blankness," Kirk tried to explain, the language of Standard clearly inadequate to describe the psychic sensation. "In my head, where you used to be. You're just - gone. It's - I don't want you to feel it."
 
Kirk's distress was palpable through the bond. Whatever he was experiencing in his head as a result of Spock's shields was certainly unpleasant. Spock, however, had no frame of reference for it. "My previous mate, T'Pring, kept her end shielded at all times. I did not experience this - emptiness - you describe. I do not believe I will feel it now."
 
"It's not worth risking," Kirk said stubbornly. 
 
"With all due respect, Captain," Spock said patiently. "Emptiness would be far preferable to the influx of your emotions that I now must endure."
 
The fight seemed to leech out of Kirk like air from a popped balloon. He leaned against the wall and closed his eyes. 
 
Spock waited, trying to stay detached from the emotions jackhammering into him through their bond. Unworthiness seemed to feature very prominently, along with self-disgust and resignation. Spock was somewhat surprised at the lack of anger. Come to think of it, Kirk had not once gotten angry with Spock. He'd been unexpectedly patient and accommodating since Spock had awoken.  
 
As if to confirm this, Kirk rubbed his eyes with one hand.  "Okay," he said. "Okay. If it's really what you want, you can block it." 
 
He lifted his head. The sheen on his eyes made the color very bright. Averting his gaze from Spock's, he tilted his face, offering his temple and cheek trustingly. 
 
For a moment, Kirk's vulnerability set off something deep in Spock, an echoing desire to shelter that vulnerability and keep it safe. Spock suppressed it before it could blossom into an actual want. With ruthless efficiency, he put his fingers on Kirk's meld points, careful not to touch any extra inch of Kirk's skin that sang its siren song to Spock's telepathy. But even confined to the meld points, Kirk's skin was soft beneath Spock's sensitive fingers, soft enough that he wanted to stroke the pads of his fingers over its silky texture. 
 
He suppressed that desire too. 
 
"My mind to your mind..." 
 
Kirk's mind unlike any mind Spock has melded with before. It's dynamic and brilliant - like the hot desert sun dancing a fiery pattern on the sands. It illuminates him; envelops him; seeps into him. It wraps him in warmth and brightness. It would light every dark crevice in Spock's mind; shine its rays into all the lonely corners; chase away the lingering cold - if only Spock would let it. Spock wants to bask in it; let it penetrate him; let it in - 
 
Spock yanked out of Kirk's mind almost violently. He was breathing harshly. He stared at Kirk, fighting his own emotions, which threatened to boil over and control him. "You - " Spock's throat was too tight to speak. 
 
Kirk looked a little woozy from the meld; not quite steady on his feet. "Did you do it?" he asked, trying to subtlety reach for the wall behind him for support. 
 
"No. I did not shield you." Spock's fingers itched to touch Kirk's skin again. His mind craved to return to Kirk's mind. He should have known; should have realized that if Kirk's touch was so addictive, his mind would be exponentially more so. It was suddenly so clear. "But I believe your machinations are now revealed. I know how you tricked me into a bond."   
 
Utter confusion met his statement. "What?"
 
The itch in his fingers, the desire for Kirk - it was almost overpowering. Spock ruthlessly suppressed it. "You seduced me," he accused. "You used your mind to seduce a telepath as you seduce women with your looks."
 
"I never - " Kirk swallowed. "Spock, it's just my mind. I don't know how to seduce anyone with my mind. It just - it just is." 
 
Kirk's words, and the bond, attested to Kirk's honesty. Spock made himself see reason. Kirk was psi-null. He would not have been able to change his mind to seduce Spock anymore than Spock could rearrange his face to seduce Kirk. It was just one more quality Kirk possessed that made him unfairly attractive. 
 
"You possess too many unjust advantages." Spock muttered resentfully. "Have all your romantic companions suffered thus?"
 
Kirk made a forced shrugging movement. "You're - um - " His lower lip trembled. He quickly bit it harshly. "You're the only relationship I've ever had." 
 
Spock didn't quite know what to make of that. They stood in silence for a moment. Finally, Kirk took a breath and said, a little shakily, "I know you hate feeling my emotions. Did you want to try again to shield the bond?"
 
Yes, Spock did. He wanted to dive into that golden sunlit mind and never leave. 
 
"No," he lied. "I do not wish to ever touch your mind again."
 
And he walked away from Kirk, ignoring the raw pain bleeding across the bond as he left.
 
*****

Spock returned to his quarters, which looked identical to those he had kept under Captain Pike. He took a seat at his desk to think. The situation was utterly intolerable. Spock simply could not carry on like this. He clearly could not afford to enter Kirk's mind ever again; undoubtedly the seductive temptation of his thoughts had been the breaking point that got Spock into trouble in the first place. Spock was certain that he'd been suckered into a bond with Kirk due to exposure to that addictive mind. 

If he could not enter Kirk's mind, he could not shield the bond or teach Kirk to shield it. And since he could not bear to continue feeling Kirk's emotions, he was left with only one option. 

He would have to break their bond. 

It was an unpleasant course of action, to say the least. The cultural taboo against bond-breaking was strong. Vulcan society frowned heavily upon males breaking bonds, to the point of ostracizing those few who did. Unbonded males were dangerous and unpredictable, and the demands of a peaceful society meant males were expected to be bonded at all times. 

The biological drive against bond-breaking was even stronger. Due to their violent mating drive, a bond was an absolutely necessity for a Vulcan male. To be unbonded at the onset of Pon Farr was to invite first madness, and then death. So terrible was the thought of being unbonded during Pon Farr that most Vulcan males would do anything to protect their bond, even their mate was the most undesirable of partners. 

But that did not mean bonds were unbreakable. And Spock was no stranger to going against Vulcan cultural norms. Working from his computer terminal, Spock accessed the Vulcan Science Academy database. He was pleased to find that the scientists had thought to save their voluminous research off-planet, and that his family's password still worked. 

It was the work of over an hour to find what he needed. Obviously information on bond-breaking was not something Vulcans thought should be readily available. Finally, however, Spock located an obscure treatise on the subject, buried deep within the Biology section of the database. The text was written in a little-used variant of the Vulcan language, and to protect the species' privacy, there was no translation. Spock, however, was adept at all dialects of Vulcan. He began to read. 

He had already known, as all Vulcans did, that a bond could be broken by a challenge from the mate when the male entered Pon Farr. This was the ancient method, handed down from the time of the beginning. It had not been used in generations, and with good reason: the challenge required combat to the death. Even in the unlikely event he did someday enter Pon Farr, Spock had no wish to die nor to cause another's death.  

What he had wanted to know - and what the treatise confirmed - was the second method. Bonds could be severed by trained Vulcan mind healers. However, the text warned, healers were extremely reluctant to break a bond at the male's request. To secure their assistance, Spock would need to show that the bond was flawed in some manner, or that it had been created under false pretenses. 

Considering Kirk's character and history, and Vulcans' xenophobic prejudice (of which he was all too familiar with from childhood), Spock put his chances at convincing a healer to break their bond at 92.78%. Further research yielded the names of three surviving healors with the telepathic capacity to break a mating bond. All three currently resided on New Vulcan, in the new desert temple that had been built for healing purposes.

Very well, then. The Enterprise must go to New Vulcan.

Logging out, Spock went to Kirk's quarters, opening the doors without bothering to announce himself. "Captain Kirk," he said sharply, as he moved through the quarters, searching for Kirk. 

He found Kirk, most illogically, seated on the floor, his back against his bed. He was wearing a faded academy t-shirt and sweat pants, and looked even younger than he had at his Kobayashi Maru trial. His hair was damp from a shower. As he looked up at Spock from the floor, his expression was guarded. In Spock's head, Kirk's emotions felt like a cringing sehlat, huddled as if expecting a painful blow. 

Spock refused to feel even a moment's softness for Kirk. "I am sure you will not be surprised to learn that I can no longer carry on in this manner."

"I'm sorry," Kirk said, swallowing. "If I knew how to shield the bond for you, I would. But I - "

"I have determined that shielding is insufficient." Spock took a breath. "We must break the bond."

A deafening silence met him. 

"Break it?" Kirk finally said. His voice cracked as he spoke.

"Yes. As soon as possible."

"But - but you said - " Kirk seemed to be unable to grasp this. "You said our bond was forever. You said it was unbreakable."

"Then I lied to you," Spock said, slightly impatiently. He chided himself for feeling the emotion of impatience. He needed to have Kirk out of his head, and to have the full serenity of logic again. "It will require a Vulcan healer and thus a trip to New Vulcan, but bonds most certainly can be broken."

"You wouldn't have lied to me," Kirk protested, a little desperately. "Why would you lie?"

Spock wasn't sure why he would have told Kirk the bond was unbreakable. It was an inaccurate statement. He tried to think of an explanation for his previous actions. "You are a very attractive individual," he offered honestly. "Perhaps I wished to copulate with you and felt it the most successful method of achieving my goal."

Kirk reacted as if Spock had slapped him, flinching back. "You think you lied about our bond to get me into bed?"

"It is a strong possibility," Spock said dispassionately, feeling Kirk's betrayal through their bond and wondering why Kirk would be upset by this explanation. "You are very ill-suited for me. It is logical to think I may have intended our bond only as a means to an end." 

Kirk buried his face in his hands. "No," he said, a little desperately. "I don't believe it. You would never have lied to me."

"Please face the facts, Captain Kirk," Spock said, possibly patronizingly. "It appears that I did."

The sehlat of Kirk's emotions howled with pain in Spock's head. 

A long minute passed. 

When Kirk spoke again, even Spock, with his superior hearing, could barely hear him. "Okay," he said, as if the word cost him his soul to say. "We'll - we'll break the bond. Whatever makes you happy."

"Vulcans do not feel happiness, Captain."

Kirk let out the bitterest laugh Spock had ever heard. "That's another lie you told me, then."

Spock didn't know what to say to that.

*****
 
 
3. Portcullis

Kirk made all the arrangements for them. Spock didn't have to lift a finger. Kirk had somehow earned enough clout in the last year to not only get Starfleet to allow a temporary deviation from their assignment, but to get the Vulcan elders to instantly welcome the Enterprise to their planet, and to grant Kirk an appointment with the very busy Vulcan healers. As the healers might have refused to break the bond if given advance warning, Spock insisted the purpose of their visit be kept secret and that Kirk tell no one of their plan. 

Kirk, as Spock now expected he would, gave Spock what he wanted. 

Shortly after the Enterprise was en-route to New Vulcan, Spock found himself forced to endure a follow-up exam with Dr. McCoy. 

"I oughtta smack you," McCoy muttered grouchily, as he scanned Spock with his tricorder.

"I would advise you not to try it," Spock said dryly. Choosing to associate with this emotional Southerner was another decision of the past year that he simply could not understand. "You are more likely to hurt your hand than me." 

McCoy rolled his eyes. "I'm pretty sure it violates my oath to hit a patient. Besides, I'm more scared of what Jim would do to me if I tried to hurt you."

"You jest."

"I don't." McCoy looked at his tricorder readings. "You can't remember how protective he is of you. Trust me. He'd kill me. Mind you, I oughtta hit you anyway, because you damn well deserve it." McCoy fixed him with a glare. "You should be ashamed of yourself, Spock. Putting Jim through hell like you have. I probably would hit you, oath be damned - if I didn't know you were going to New Vulcan get your memories back." 

Spock raised a brow. "This is a diplomatic mission to check the security guarding New Vulcan from poachers," he said, citing the explanation they'd given to Starfleet. 

McCoy waived it off. "Sure it is. On the record. But I'm your doctor, and I know you got an appointment with a healer. And if I were a gambling man, I'd be betting 10 to 1 that you're going to try and get that mind of yours fixed right up."

Spock steepled his fingers. He had no intention of telling McCoy that he'd decided to ask that no attempt be made to restore his memories. However he and Kirk had ended up in a bond, he was sure it had somehow involved Kirk manipulating him. He did not wish for the memories of such manipulations to be returned to him. It was already difficult enough to fight his biology, which screamed at him to save his bond. If his memories were returned, he would likely lose the battle. 

"We should be there in two days," McCoy said, checking a PADD. "Not a moment too soon in my book. Whether you realize it now or not, Jim's damn good to you. You'll be happy to remember your bond with him."

Happy. 

For some reason, the word made something stick in Spock's throat.

*****

Kirk and Spock exchanged fewer than a dozen words the entire two-day trip to New Vulcan. Since their last discussion, the only emotion coming down the bond had been extreme numbness. That suited Spock just fine - the less he felt from Kirk, the better. He got the sense that Kirk was avoiding him. He'd even arranged for them to beam down separately, letting Spock go down first, alone.

Spock knew the healing temple was located a good distance outside the main colony, New Shikahr. In the interest of privacy, and to prevent questioning, Spock chose a beam-down point outside the colony. He now materialized alone, on the wild, yet-uncolonized sands of the new planet Vulcans called home. 

Seeing the surroundings for the first time, even he could not prevent the slight flutter of his heart. Whoever had chosen the planet for the colony had chosen very well. He was in a beautiful desert; surrounded by towering rock cliffs, glittering sand, and a scarlet sky that seemed to glow from within. And the sun; the hot sun that beat so welcomingly down on him, a warm embrace for one of Vulcan's prodigal sons. 

Kirk would be following shortly, but for the moment Spock was alone; alone to indulge himself shamelessly in his secret love. He turned his face up to the sun and closed his eyes. He let the rays penetrate his skin; warming it, driving away the perpetual chill of life on the ship. Contentment welled up in him as he basked in the heat, soaking in the desert sun's brilliance. It had been years since he'd been truly warm, and now he turned his palms up, letting the heat thaw his sensitive hands; the cold of years away forgotten. If he had known how, he would have purred. 

"Las'hark."

A quiet voice behind him startled Spock. He had been so caught up in his sun worship that he hadn't heard Kirk materialize. Humiliated at being caught in such a private, emotional moment, his self-control still precarious, he whirled around. "How do you know the Vulcan word for sun?" he demanded of Kirk. 

"Does it matter?" Kirk asked tiredly. 

Spock took a deep breath, turning away. "No," he acknowledged, trying to keep his control, unendingly irritated with himself. "It does not matter." 

He felt Kirk move a step closer. His quiet voice came again. "Do you - " Kirk swallowed. "Do you like the sun?"

Spock distantly registered that a small touch of hope had fluttered through their bond from Kirk, the first such emotion in days. Still humiliated, he ignored it. Adopting the coldest, most unemotional voice he had, a voice that had once made his own mother cry, he turned back to Kirk. "Of course I do not like the sun. To claim such would be the height of farce. It is nothing but a conflagration of elements. It simply exists. I feel nothing for the sun." 

A burst of pain, of heartbreak, came streaming through the bond, so potent that Spock was forced to take a step back. He looked up in surprise, meeting Kirk's eyes - 

And with an unfamiliar sinking feeling, Spock suddenly knew that, for the first time in his life, he had failed a test. 

In Kirk's beautiful eyes, he saw something violently close - like shutters slammed down, or a castle portcullis falling - 

Then Kirk's eyes were blank. 

And so was the bond. 

As a throbbing emptiness spread through Spock's mind where Kirk's presence had been a moment before, swallowing the space like a black hole sucks in all light, Spock realized what had happened. 

Kirk's human mind had reached its limit. It had endured too much hurt. Like amputating a gangrenous limb, Kirk's psi-null mind had somehow found a way to cut off the source of its pain. 

Kirk had finally shielded himself from Spock. 

*****
 
 

Comments

( 176 comments — Leave a comment )
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(Anonymous)
Sep. 6th, 2010 09:17 pm (UTC)
ARGH!!! I think you just made me cry T_T ...
This is awesome...
kyliselle
Sep. 6th, 2010 09:54 pm (UTC)
Aw, don't cry, Anonymouse! *gives hankie*
unrund
Sep. 6th, 2010 09:25 pm (UTC)
*howls*
That last was a punch in the gut. I hope I have nails left by the time you post the next part.
kyliselle
Sep. 6th, 2010 09:56 pm (UTC)
Aww! *pets* The prompt made me do it, I swear. But free hugs for everyone reading this as a WIP!
(Deleted comment)
kyliselle
Sep. 6th, 2010 10:00 pm (UTC)
Thanks for the comment!

his deliberate decision to read the worst into the situation.

I love how you phrased this. Well put. I am going to get right on the next part, because hello, sad!fic, can't leave it here. More soon!
lrndng
Sep. 6th, 2010 09:31 pm (UTC)
omg heartbreaking
kyliselle
Sep. 6th, 2010 10:01 pm (UTC)
Hugs? &hearts
slowdead
Sep. 6th, 2010 09:44 pm (UTC)
Oh my poor heart! GUH. I love this already. I's somehow better than I had expected, which is quite the accomplishment :DD

awesome job! ♥
kyliselle
Sep. 6th, 2010 10:02 pm (UTC)
Aw, thank you! I'm just trying to flesh out the amazing, heart-breaking prompt. &hearts
jessaj
Sep. 6th, 2010 09:57 pm (UTC)
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
kyliselle
Sep. 6th, 2010 10:04 pm (UTC)
??????????????


(j/k! Hugs for you, bb!)
fagur_fiskur
Sep. 6th, 2010 10:16 pm (UTC)
Guh. This was physically painful to read. Oh Jim. I kind of want to punch Spock, but at the same time I can kind of see where he's coming from. Mind you, I could never keep up that act after feeling all that hurt from Kirk (I can't even kill a fly unless it's on accident) but Spock still has his reasons. His cold, logical, hurtful reasons.

Oh boys, please make up soon. I can't stand all that hurt.

(Spock Prime knocking some sense into Spock in the next part, y/y?)
kyliselle
Sep. 6th, 2010 10:28 pm (UTC)
Hey bb! As you know, the prompt is so amazingly detailed that I just kind of had to fill it in. But the angst, my goodness...so sad!

Spock Prime knocking some sense into Spock in the next part, y/y?

Not telling. XD But seriously, I should go work on the next part; I can't leave this fic here for long...
avictoriangirl
Sep. 6th, 2010 10:20 pm (UTC)
Oh my god. *sobs* My heart is broken in a thousand tiny pieces. Please don't take too long to update. *puppy eyes*
kyliselle
Sep. 6th, 2010 10:29 pm (UTC)
Aw, bb! *hugs*

Don't worry, I'm gonna try to update soon - it's too sad to leave it here for long!
pegasus_01
Sep. 6th, 2010 10:39 pm (UTC)
GAH! NO! CRAP! MUST RESIST READING UNTIL I FINISH MY INTERNSHIP APPLICATION DUE TOMORROW! DAMN YOU! Ok, ok! This is incentive! INCENTIVE!
(will write an actual Squee!comment once I read it)
*resistance is not futile. resistance is not futile*
pegasus_01
Sep. 7th, 2010 12:19 am (UTC)
Okok, so I lied and read this before I finished filling out my application (damn it). But it's not my fault. It's your fault. The temptation man! I have no self-control.

This was AMAZING! Oh, the angst! And the hurt! And JIM! GAH! Poor Jim! And Spock! Why are you so stubborn!? I just... I loved it. At least Kirk's mind broke before the bond itself was broken. Spock will have a lot of groveling ahead of him, but at least it'll be salvageable. I don't know if bonds work the same way as marriages and divorce where you can get remarried to someone who divorced, but I have a feeling you probably can't...

And the SUN! Oh GOD! Yes Spock, you totally FAILED that one! So is Spock going to decide to keep his appointment with the Healer to get his memories back? Now that Kirk shielded himself and Spock is feeling the emptiness and is, maybe, perhaps, hopefully realizing what a DOUCHEBAG HE IS?!?

Poor Kirk. He does not deserve the things we put him through. And by we, I mean you. :)
As Amy Macdonald would sing: "Oh love love, you tear my world apart. Oh love, love you always break my heart."
(no subject) - kyliselle - Sep. 7th, 2010 01:14 am (UTC) - Expand
danahid
Sep. 6th, 2010 10:50 pm (UTC)
Right now, this hits heartbreakingly close to home. Your writing is heart wrenching.
kyliselle
Sep. 7th, 2010 01:16 am (UTC)
Aw, hon, I'm so sorry. *big hugs for you*
spockollama
Sep. 6th, 2010 10:50 pm (UTC)
Amnesia Spock! When I read the summary, I realized all my favorite amnesia fics had Kirk losing his memory, but I really wanted a role reversal.

After reading the first part, I can honestly say that if all amnesia Spock fics can be this amazing, clearly more should be written. This first part is superb, and I am eagerly awaiting the rest:)
kyliselle
Sep. 7th, 2010 01:17 am (UTC)
Thanks bb! Aw, so kind. More on the way.

all my favorite amnesia fics had Kirk losing his memory

Ahem. You know the rules. Links or it didn't happen. ;)
(no subject) - spockollama - Sep. 7th, 2010 01:35 am (UTC) - Expand
weird_situation
Sep. 6th, 2010 10:51 pm (UTC)
So today's my birthday and it's been not so great, then I saw you posted the first part and it made my day more enjoyable (as weird as it is that angst apparently makes me happy). Just thought I'd let you know. : )
kyliselle
Sep. 7th, 2010 01:19 am (UTC)
Happy, happy birthday bb!! If I knew how to do sparkle text, I totally would. :D But I'm so glad this could make your birthday even a little more enjoyable.

(And really? Angst makes you happy? Weirdo...)

(j/k bb! XD)
(no subject) - weird_situation - Sep. 7th, 2010 01:25 am (UTC) - Expand
rovardotter
Sep. 6th, 2010 10:58 pm (UTC)
Oh, such painful and heartbreaking part! In his stubborn denial Spock made Jim think, that everything he told him were an impudent lies. Poor Jim *cries*
kyliselle
Sep. 7th, 2010 01:20 am (UTC)
Thank you for your comment! I know, poor Jim. *pets* No worries though, I'm working on the second part now. :)
koishii_tenshii
Sep. 6th, 2010 11:23 pm (UTC)
*splutters and dies* Oh I knew it was going to be depressing! The angst hurts so gooooood! Now excuse me while I reread How High the Moon to soothe the ache. :D
kyliselle
Sep. 7th, 2010 01:22 am (UTC)
Imma point the blame-finger at the angsty prompt. So sad! So heart-breaking! But yes, sometimes angst can hurt so good - although hopefully I will get part 2 done quick, because goodness gracious, the angst is hurting me and I wrote it!
godjohnson
Sep. 6th, 2010 11:24 pm (UTC)
Ouch, my head hurts. :C Make it better soon???
kyliselle
Sep. 7th, 2010 01:24 am (UTC)
Aww. *pets your poor head* I'll see what I can do. ;)
jumpmybones
Sep. 6th, 2010 11:25 pm (UTC)
This is...unbelievable. I have no idea how you are able to get everything you write spot on, but you do. This is amazing. I love it. Seeing all these little subtleties weaved in through this story; Like just knowing that Spock used to call Jim his sun. Damn it Spock!

I can't explain in words how perfectly this is written. You've definitely already done more than justice to this prompt. You had me in tears from when Spock rejected Jim in sickbay right to the end, even a little bit now just remembering.

Oh Jim! My lovely...how he's been injured, with Spock implying that he's not faithful and a manipulator, that he tricked him, the emptiness, Spock saying he used the bond to get Jim into bed and so much more. No wonder he's finally shut down.

I liked that last scene with Spock and McCoy where Bones assumes they're going to get Spock's memory back. The whole mood of it was very well done.
Sorry about all my babbling - I very rarely do it, but this was so heartfelt that I can't control myself. May I say that I think this might be your best angst fic yet.

I just remembered that this is wip and I 'm going to have to wait with this ache in my chest for the next part to be written - curse my inability to employ self-restraint. Can't wait for the next part.

Edited at 2010-09-06 11:26 pm (UTC)
kyliselle
Sep. 7th, 2010 01:32 am (UTC)
Aww, bb! *gives you tissue* What a super sweet comment! You are too kind.

Like just knowing that Spock used to call Jim his sun.

I know nothing. ;)

Seriously though, thank you! It's tricky to write fic exclusively from one character's POV, but still somehow communicate to the reader what's going on with everyone else. I always worry things won't come through when I write them, so your comment definitely brought a smile to my face.

Sorry about all my babbling

*snerk* You never need to apologize to an author for leaving a long comment on their fic. Trust me. Our egos get all puffed up and our fat heads get even fatter. XD

Next part is already underway. Hopefully not too horribly long of a wait, because this part was so sad that I can't bear to leave it here too long.

Thanks again, hon!
gadgetorious
Sep. 6th, 2010 11:26 pm (UTC)
D:

I NEED PART TWO IMMEDIATELY. ;A;

This is wonderful but you're evil leaving us here.
kyliselle
Sep. 7th, 2010 01:34 am (UTC)
Hey bb! Got your message, btw - I'll be updating those links! Thanks for letting me know.

And part 2 underway! Promise!
(no subject) - gadgetorious - Sep. 7th, 2010 01:47 am (UTC) - Expand
squishykat
Sep. 7th, 2010 12:34 am (UTC)
I saw you'd written this and couldn't wait to read it (even though it's 1.30am..) and ohemgee! Grr Spock, poor Jim! D:

I like how you've written Kirk, he comes across as strong even though he's hurting (don't like wimpy!Kirk, he's just not)

Definately need to read the rest! I have faith in happy endings and after that, I'm anxiously awaiting it! :)
kyliselle
Sep. 7th, 2010 01:36 am (UTC)
1:30am?? Honey, go to bed! :D

I like how you've written Kirk, he comes across as strong even though he's hurting

Oh wow, thank you. I think Kirk IS a very strong person (even when I'm putting him through horrible situations) so I'm glad it read that way to you.
maistress
Sep. 7th, 2010 12:35 am (UTC)
Beautiful. That really is all there is to say.
kyliselle
Sep. 7th, 2010 01:37 am (UTC)
Thank you so much. Part 2 is underway.
nerdiechick2012
Sep. 7th, 2010 12:50 am (UTC)
My heart hurts so hard for Jim. Oh my God, Spock is being such a dick. I want to effing strangle him, but I won't because he needs to be back with his Jim.

I was legit tearing up at this, ngl. You did wonderfully and your angst is always the best angst I've read ;D
kyliselle
Sep. 7th, 2010 01:46 am (UTC)
Aww! I'm always so torn when people say they teared up at something I wrote, because I feel bad making people cry - but angst is supposed to hurt.

So, um, thank you and/or I'm sorry? :D
sunny_rainfall
Sep. 7th, 2010 01:02 am (UTC)
wow jerk much spock :(
poor jim. that was so sad
kyliselle
Sep. 7th, 2010 01:46 am (UTC)
Thanks for the comment, bb. The prompt was very sad but I'm definitely already working on the second part.
dissociate
Sep. 7th, 2010 01:09 am (UTC)
Wh--

Why is Spock so *mean*?! T__T
kyliselle
Sep. 7th, 2010 01:47 am (UTC)
I know! It was such a heartbreaking prompt. I'm working on part 2 now.
putigress2012
Sep. 7th, 2010 01:22 am (UTC)
I love it, even if I *am* crying...
Okay, I've been waiting for this ever since I found out you were taking this prompt - and I have got to say, you definitely did not disappoint. I love all your fics, but your angst just... gets me. How High The Moon is my favorite of yours right now - but I have a feeling that Shine Like the Sun may challenge that spot...

So first, I caught the allusion to Tarsus in "Blink". Jim disappears when he is 13... That, along with the hints at abuse, definitely explain why Jim is so insecure - and why he feels unworthy of Spock, enough to give the Vulcan what he wants, even if it is tearing him apart. It is a shame that Spock misunderstood Jim's past... but there wouldn't be such an amazing story otherwise. ^^

And *this* - this was like a punch to the gut: "If the doctor had felt genuine happiness that Spock was alive, Spock's life seemed to give Kirk a reason to live. The sensation of so much human love was exquisite.". Oh, it made me want to hug Jim, and scream at Spock to just *accept* Jim's love, goddamnit. But I read the prompt, so of course I knew that wasn't going to happen. Can't stop illogical hope though...

Also, as much as I always love Bones (and I really, really do), I think I *almost* like your Uhura more here. She is self-confident, and compassionate, and genuinely likes and understands Kirk. And oh, this was perfect: "Kirk is the best thing that ever happened to you. He brought the light to your eyes. You don't remember it now, but you love him. And you're never going to forgive yourself when you learn what you've done."

I wanted to high five Uhura for being so awesome - and kick Spock in the balls for being such a jerk, insinuating that Jim is manipulative and unfaithful...

And then the *meld*, and the comparison of Jim's mind to the *sun*, and the way Spock accused Jim of *seducing* him. Poor, vulnerable Jim... And Spock refuses to care that he is hurting him. Even though Jim's only thoughts are for Spock - to make him happy, and give him what he wants.

And the comparison of Jim to an injured sehlet, and the way he is just *broken* by Spock saying that he wants to break the bond, and that he must have lied about the bond being unbreakable because he wanted to get Jim into bed, and... Spock, you are a lying liar!

Also, if pre-amnesia Spock's endearment for Jim was "Las'hark", I am probably going to cry more than I already have. Spock denying that he likes the sun, and Jim just... shutting down. Our Vulcan is so going to regret this when he gets his memory back... And he deserves to *regret* this. I hope Bones and Uhura kick his ass... Because we all know Jim won't, he loves the jerk too much...

Okay, sorry for ranting and raving so much... Good luck writing part 2 (I will be waiting, trying not to be a complete stalker) - and I better get to posting all the things I am supposed to post tonight. (I actually am posting the last chapter to a Spock/girl!Kirk fic tonight. I almost cannot believe that I wrote Spock/always-a-girl!Kirk... but I did!)
kyliselle
Sep. 11th, 2010 04:11 am (UTC)
Re: I love it, even if I *am* crying...
Hey bb! Omg, I so did not mean to go so many days without responding - I just panicked because people were telling me they were crying (YES, LIKE YOU!!) and part 2 was only just started! So I got my butt writing.

Now, with a 7600 word draft of part 2 done, I can breathe a little, knowing I'll get part 2 up in the next few days.

Anyway, thank you for this amazing comment!

I caught the allusion to Tarsus... That, along with the hints at abuse

This is one place where fanfic is unique over original fic, I think. You've got this canon/fanon that you can go to that everyone's familiar with, and what changes is how the author deals with it. So you can make hints and the reader will fill it in. Also, we get to pull from TOS canon when we write Reboot fic! How cool is that?

But I read the prompt, so of course I knew that wasn't going to happen.

Oh so true. I tried to stick to the prompt fairly closely, which meant Spock had to kind of - well, an asshole. But like you said, that's where the fic comes in, so there you go. :D

as much as I always love Bones

Me too! I think you and I share that love too; a bff!hottie!Bones whose relationship with Kirk is juuustt this side of slashy. And I love Uhura too. Just not with Spock. Hell, I don't like Spock with anyone but Kirk (Kirk, on the other hand, I can occasionally ship with Bones, Chekov, Uhura, Sarek, Stonn - oh, anyone really XD).

Our Vulcan is so going to regret this when he gets his memory back

Well, you read the prompt, so you know the memories are about to come back. Which actually has lead to this humongous stylistic challenge (see, I love that you also write fic, because I can complain to you about this stuff!). I'm playing around with how I want to distinguish the memories - I usually use italics, but it's a good amount of text, so I might try something different. I dunno yet.

Anyway, thank you again, bb! And now that I have a draft done maybe I can check out your PWP!

(And wait - did you say you wrote always-a-girl!Kirk??? Omg, how did that go? I'm such a die-hard slasher, I don't think I could do it. But It's yours, so I bet it's awesome!)
Re: I love it, even if I *am* crying... - putigress2012 - Sep. 11th, 2010 06:21 pm (UTC) - Expand
giggles149
Sep. 7th, 2010 01:25 am (UTC)
i was unsure first, but then couldn't resist a quick read-through. It was great. I love it. Can't wait for more. Thank you for sharing :-)
kyliselle
Sep. 11th, 2010 04:12 am (UTC)
Thank you so much!
prue84
Sep. 7th, 2010 01:27 am (UTC)
Dammit, continue continue continue this *grabs Kyli's neck and shakes her*

Dammit, I knew I should have waited, dammit! *grrr*

My God, I'm soo hurting that I can't write down a decent comment on this marvellous piece!
kyliselle
Sep. 11th, 2010 04:13 am (UTC)
Aww, poor bb! *pets you*

Would it help if I told you I just finished the first draft of part 2? It needs serious editing, but it should be up in the next few days.

Yes? No? Helps? Make it worse? Free hug?
(no subject) - prue84 - Sep. 11th, 2010 03:28 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - becullen - Sep. 12th, 2010 04:15 pm (UTC) - Expand
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